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Monday, June 28, 2010

I Think I've Lost Control...and I DON'T Like It!

During the recent years of my life, which by the way have been the best, I've discovered a lot about myself. I've discovered I like myself. I've discovered that I'm content with just being the mom of one. I've discovered I like being a pastor's wife and a stay-at-home-mom. I've discovered that just because I'm not "using" my college education, I'm fine with that. But perhaps the most insightful discovery for me has been that I'm quite the control freak. In a major way. Not just a little control freak, a BIG control freak. And in the course of this discovery I've come to face the reality that I am not and could not possibly control everything I'd like to. Perhaps I'm such a control freak due to not being able to control much at all during my childhood. I have a childhood filled with horrible memories that have affected who I am today. When I was little, I was not able to control anything that happened to me...and a lot happened to me that I wish had not. Although I am delivered from the past, I feel that because of it I try to control too much now.
So, why am I writing about this? This past weekend several things were out of my hands that I think could have been done better or differently. I had to just sit idly by and watch the nightmare play out right before me. I found myself almost having an anxiety attack because I was not in a position where I could do anything about the situation. As my heart was beating and a sweat began to break out on my forehead, my husband looked at me and just kind of laughed. He knew what was going on inside my head. And as I sat there, the nightmare that I could not control turned out just fine. Different than it would have been if I would have been in control, but fine all the same. This reality hit me hard. It is hard for me to face the fact that I can't control everything...and if I don't control it...it probably will turn out just fine!
Planning is good. It is always better to be prepared than not. But too much obsessing can rule you. It can even become like a god in your life...as I feel at times it has in mine. This revelation has made me take a good, hard look at home schooling next year. I have a plan for Kameron. I have the times each activity needs to be done written and on a chart. I have what I want to accomplish for the day, week and month all neatly categorized. I want to control this and for it to work out in my fairytale dream. Reality...it probably won't. I'm sure there will be days when we get only a portion accomplished. I may have to change my plans and I may have to alter my expectations. And you know what? I think God used events like what happened this weekend to prepare me for this. He is showing me that He is in control. Not me. I need to, "lean not on [my] own understanding; in all [my] ways acknowledge him, and he will make [my] paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6.
Thank you God for preparing me to "let go and let God" as my mother always says!

3 comments:

Kevin Probst said...
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Kevin Probst said...

I know you are a wonderful mother and you are certainly an excellent teacher so you will be a fantastic homeschool teacher/mom. I am specifically praying that God will send you truck loads of patience. Kameron is so fortunate to have you as mom and teacher.

Shannon said...

You are so sweet, Kevin, to say such things. None of who I am would be possible without a lot of undeserving grace from a merciful Savior and amazing support from a God-send of a husband. I love you and appreciate you so much!